Sometimes life seems like it’s not what it should be. I think trans people get this more than most. We spend a lot of time looking at other people and wishing that our lives were like theirs…envying their not having to deal with what we deal with because it seems like they have a somewhat easier go of it. After all, we have all the regular old problems they do… plus the trans thing. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished the trans thing into the cornfield. Wishes don’t do a whole lot of good, though. There are still days that suck and sometimes they just suck in that way that life can kind of suck and sometimes it’s the trans thing rearing its stupid trans thing head and spitting suck all over everything.
Truth is, I hate where I live. I have a lot of days on my job that I love that I hate. I have days where some kid snickers and I know it’s about me or I just hear one too many bits of life truth from a teenager with a shitty home life and it gets to me and I want to run screaming to something else. But I go back to work because it’s work and sometimes I love doing the job enough that I can overcome my flight response and I go back to work and do the job and listen to the stories and offer my best shoulder for the tears.
And there are times when it seems like there will be no escape from the place, that we’re stuck in the suck of the place, the suck that comes from so many different factors. What I’ve been trying to do, trying so hard to do is to accept the suck as part of my day-to-day the same way I accept the trans thing as a part of my life. I was told yesterday that my transition is something of a model for how to do it right and I wish that were entirely true. I’ve certainly been fortunate in many regards and there are times where I feel like I walked between the raindrops. At the same time, none of this is easy and being unhappy in the place I’m in doesn’t make it all that much better.
But I’m here in the here and now and I cannot live in a universe of crap because that is not living at all. So I grasp onto bits of the present that don’t suck at all.
I grasp onto my children because they are wonderful, beautiful beings…the joy that I helped bring into the world. In the midst of being a somewhat stern parent, I look at them and smile.
I grasp onto my spouse because even though she does not think it, she is the best person in the world. I am fortunate beyond measure to have her in my life and though I don’t deserve her, she is here with me. A small reward from the universe for being a better person and I only wish to be better still to be a proper reward for her as best as I can be.
I find the simple joy in my job, the plays…the play. The joy of bringing theatre to kids who need it. The knowledge I give my students who need a family a kind of weird and cool family to be a part of when nothing else seems to be going their way.
I try to live in the present because the past holds nothing more than lessons and the future is too timey wimey, too uncertain. I know the now and for good or ill, I can live in it and smile at my little cat madly chasing phantoms down the hall or that odd moment when my spouse has discovered something beautiful or clever or funny and she smiles and lights up my world or my kids spend an hour of insanity in the bath tub.
The simple joys of the present even when all the suck is right outside the door and the trans thing wants to make it worse. I clear out a little space of something wonderful and I allow myself permission to stay there.
It’s like Ben Vereen sings it…