Floating

Is it floating or is it ennui? I’m not sure right now. I’ve been under the weather consistently as of late, suffering pains of aging and misuse, and generally feeling run down and uninspired.

Uninspired. This is it. I am uninspired by life at this moment. Every project, artistic endeavor or whatever is just another thing and it’s hard for me to remain excited about any of it. It’s all just so…blah. I’m not sure why I’m doing any of it right now. I’m finishing my novel series just to finish, but it doesn’t excite me. I’m writing a play and a short story just to write a play and a short story, but neither project keeps me up at night contemplating the success of the work and what I can do to make it better. It’s all just words.

Days just roll on by and soon another round of whatever will pass and there will be highlights, but they won’t seem all that high really. I don’t want to see people anymore. I don’t care about the media I study or the news I read. It’s all just there and I have no connection to it other than disinterest.

And this seems depressing and I suppose I am somewhat depressed by it all. But I’m not even passionate about the depression. It’s simply a shrug like the pain in my elbow. It’s there and whatever. I still have to get up in the morning and make coffee and walk the dog and go to work.

And when I go to sleep at night, I imagine this amazing city where I ultimately isolate myself. I don’t like people all that much. Recent events seem to bear that out. People are disappointing. I want them to be better and they just aren’t. They have sapped my passions.

I see people who are far more passionate than I am. I tried to be passionate and it didn’t turn out well. I’m not sure why I should ever really try again because ultimately I feel doomed to some level of mediocrity. Even if I’m not mediocre, I will never life the life I really want, which is to be able to live in celebrated isolation. I suppose I admire Salinger for having done that.

I hope I find a reason to enjoy the world soon. I’m not planning on leaving it, so no worries. I just want to enjoy it and want to want to engage with it. Right now I don’t. Right now I’m just floating…

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One thought on “Floating

  1. Ann Oui says:

    I didn’t get very far into your description before I thought, “depression”. I know your feelings of ennui and misanthropy well. It’s impressive that you’re doing so much while feeling this way, even if it’s without enthusiasm. Carrying on when you don’t feel like it is an act of pure will. Sometimes it seems worse in the aftermath of a big event, the let-down. Sometimes it’s just too many cloudy days. Who knows. I used to think that it couldn’t be depression if there was a “valid” reason for feeling sad — illness, a death, hard times of some sort. I thought it could only be depression if there was no concrete reason for feeling depressed. If it was so bad that you couldn’t get through the daily requirements of life. That you had to be some sort of crying, bedraggled person rocking back and forth in a gray room. I think about Samantha Baker, on her 16th birthday, saying, “I should be happy, right? Well, I can’t get happy.” And I think about Thoreau and his misquoted “lives of quiet desperation”. And I think about how sad my quote repertoire is. Anyway. Many of the most creative, most enjoyable, most inspired people probably float through a lot of their uninspired private lives. Just try to stay afloat.

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