How I Want to Live

Something about getting further away from GRS…a lot of life at this moment, specifically trans life, feels like an end game of sorts. Loose ends to take care of, the last couple of months of daily post-operative treatments…life doesn’t revolve around trans for me. It’s not my job. I don’t have personal time for activism or outreach because I’d rather be with my spouse and kids than help others right now. Is that wrong of me? The fact is, I spend a huge amount of time at work during the school year and I value my time off, which is spread thin already.

I don’t have time for trans.

I hardly have time to think about it nor do I feel like I should think about it all that much. Aside from being occasionally misgendered by those who have known me for a long while, I don’t see it as in any way central to my life as it once was. Being trans has been relegated to the third tier of my existence, something there but not in need of my attention.

I recently went through my FB and purged all the trans groups. I removed a great number of trans people who I was “friends” with because there were so many with whom I had no contact or had not expressed interest in me in a real way. I was simple their friend because they had asked at some point and I had said yes. There were some who I had felt some kinship, but realized we had little left to discuss, little reason to retain the connection. One was unfriended because despite a real connection, she had relegated me to a tertiary status and I felt that if she wanted to retain contact with me, she could do so away from FB. I understand her rationale. She had moved on from trans and did not want it anywhere near her public life.

Is that how I’m feeling? Yes and no. I’m too exposed on the internet as being trans. Someone once told me I might regret being too out. I might someday. Right now I’m really not. It is what it is and I own my life and am unafraid of others knowing who I am and who I was. That being said, I’m not in much of a mind to shout it from the hilltops.

So why maintain this blog where I am, in effect, publicly trans? I’m not ashamed of who I am nor do I find it necessary to hide it. Occasionally, I feel the need to write about it because as much as I would like to say it’s not all that important anymore, it’s still a part of me and I find this a good forum to share something of how I’m feeling. Perhaps something I say here will be of value to someone. I used to have another blog that probably had more value in it, but also had a lot of garbage that ended up hiding the value in certain respects. I’m not worried about how many people are reading this and don’t advertise the site. If people find their way here, good. If not? I’m perfectly okay with that.

So there’s this:

I look forward to moving on from my present job, to work with people who, while they may know I’m trans, have never known me in a male disguise and, as such, will not have their vision of me clouded by a past image. I love my job sometimes, but I grow weary of being defined in some measure by being trans or by who I was. I’ve done my time in this little limelight and would like to move on somewhere to shine like brand new.

I look forward to being social with my friends and family, people I like and love because we share bonds beyond identity. This is not to say I do not love some whom I have found through transition…there are bonds that are born of shared adversity that make us sisters – even if we rarely speak…I rarely speak to my family, but they are still family. The thing is, I have no trans friends that I socialize with. I tried once or twice and it didn’t work for me. Especially beyond surgery, I felt jealous eyes on me and discovered a barrier there that they could not get beyond. I don’t make friends easily, but when I do, I love them like mad and want them in my life.

I look forward to continuing this journey through a life that has become very much worth living. I used to wish myself somewhere or someone else. Now I never do. I no longer feel the need to punish myself by being unhealthy, but rather see my health, fitness and long life as a reward for a difficult journey and I will live forever if I can and I will do it loving myself. Life is not perfect. Nothing is. But I am better than I was and can be better still.

I want to live my best possible life. And these days, that life is not lessĀ aboutĀ being trans.


UPDATE (4/28/13)

I felt it necessary to write this considering that some of what was said here is not necessarily the case today. What I’ve found is that as much as I would like some relative distance from being trans, that while I embrace it as part of me, it be a much less important part, it is still something I am and something I need to talk about from time to time with others who understand what it is. So for that reason, I am listed publicly now. Also, I’m a writer and like to be read…